Tough time ahead...

I WANNA LEAD A RIGHTEOUS AND FAULTLESS LIFE.

Everywhere i go and whatever i do, I feel I have been mistaken for no putting my best effort and showing lots of commitment.

Stand out, be proud, laugh it all out. :) random.

Training school

Reflections of aBrMmTy

Before enlistment

Having worked in a company doing administrative work, Army to me was just exciting phrase of my life that I was looking forward to simply because I get to meet new people in a totally new environment.

Enlistment Day

It was an exciting time for me as I knew that I would be able to be in a new environment. Coming with my relative was also a memorable experience, departing them at that exact place and taking the oath was another proud moment. I envisaged a change in me, to become a more independent person, one who would finally start to follow rules perfectly, not get uneasy conforming to rules and routine but rather start to humble myself to be submissive in following orders.

First Friend

The first person I got to know is CS. Well, it happened that I saw him every morning in the restroom that I started talking to him. It was also comical to see that he always mixed up my name with one of his platoon mates, hence the confusion. Well, it’s easier to remember names than recognizing the person, especially so when one has to start recognizing 50 other people that you do not know.

Section Mates

I really feel blessed to be commune with a group of fun-loving people who is able to talk and listen to each other freely. I suppose there would be more outings to come.

Platoon Mates

Section 1 is the movie gang, section 2 is the food gang, section 3 is the club gang and section 4 is the jean gang. Somewhat a simple categorization of the make-up of our platoon.

Confinement Week and Book Out Day

It was a hectic week for me as it was also the period of change for me, getting used to the set of rules and routine of the school. Examples were the arrangement of the cupboard, the marching and the preparation to be done every morning. It was also the period when I committed the most mistakes as I was not prepared for the standard procedures of everything. It was rather demoralizing as failing to do them would mean that you get fucked by sergeants. But I was glad of the initial harsh treatment as it has allowed me to be less complacent and more careful.

Field Camp

12km Road March is the most Siong Road March in my opinion. Probably it is due to the heat and humidity at that period of time, so much so you would feel drained and tired with every step. Even being as the pace-setters in the front, I was still struggling to maintain that slow pace and would move slower after that. Without the encouragement of my section mates, it would have indeed become a demoralizing march.

The activities I like in field camp were the fire-movement drills and the Immediate Assault drills. Especially when you are the I/C, it is fun being able to simulate an attack on the enemy. However, there are heavy responsibilities that you are supposed to be carrying out and if there happens to be an IA, the group is unlikely to proceed. It was also the first time I had put on the camo-cream on my face. It felt uneasy at first but I got acclimatized to the feeling. After all, everyone else has camo-cream!

The last unforgettable thing was the stunning of rifle. Either the Sgt’s “pro” at stunning rifle or I’m a heavy sleeper. Can remove my rifle from my buckle some more!

Sit Test

The road-march was manageable after all, probably because we were walking on Tekong Highway. I was in a group which I feel is able to cooperate and work well together even though we were not familiar with each other. I’m also heartened to see the way the group execute their duties so seamlessly as if they had done it many times. I’m also satisfied that I had completed my mission decently and working with my mates was not a problem.

Signing On As a Regular

Going through BMT, there were times when I had dreams of serving the Army, availing myself for the specific vocation that I was interested in. However, after much consideration, I have decided that signing on to the Army as a regular was not my calling after all, probably due to my inclination towards a more flexible environment and my attitude; that is my reluctance to succumb to conformity. I prefer flexibility and less of a routine as one of the things I cannot stand is the orthodoxy of thought and behaviour, hence it swayed my decision in the end.

Rifle Handling

Our batch will be the last to use the M16 rifle. I felt that it is easy to handle after much familiarization. However, the learning came at the expense of much drilling everyday.

Grenade Throw

The highlight of the BMT had to be the Grenade throwing session. It was the most relaxing event I had experience so far, one that I had much fun with.

24km Road-March

It’s comforting to see that my body’s regulating temperature system was working during the match as it seemed that many people started to feel feverish during the march. I’m equally thrilled to see the whole company passed with no fall-outs. Few honourable mentions were the few people who managed to struggle through to the end even when they felt feverish. One thing I learnt is that when you have company to struggle through a difficult task, it is much easier with the tremendous support backing you up.

Random post.

OC Ong

Sir is a young and accomplished person who always sets high standards for himself. He expects equally high results from his subordinates. He gives good presentations, which is the only time recruits get to assess him.

Sir commands a great deal of respect not only for his stunning achievements, but also his ability to lead and know sense into his recruits from his extensive military knowledge.

Lieutenant Yeo

Lieutenant has a special fetish of swearing. Without these word peppered in his speech, he is likely to feel unnatural and weird. In general, he is straight-forward and prompt whenever he gives an instruction.

He could very well do without his f’s and s’s in his speech as it looks like that’s the only word he knows. Otherwise, he is a good commander who commands a decent amount of respect.

Lieutenant Pushfinder

Lieutenant is a fairly funny commander who crack jokes and make fun of recruits. He is essential in this company for his role as a comedian commander as it helps brighten up recruits’ day with his antics, probably much of the humour stems from his name. He should be a great planner since he will soon be assuming more roles in this Zulu company.

Sergeant Major Bruce Lee

Sergeant Major is a committed and dedicated superior in his company. He always made his presence felt with his endearing wide smile and it puts his recruits at ease. He is constantly concerned with the military standards and well-being of his recruits and he shows it by connecting with his recruits on a personal or platoon level when he teaches them a set of drills. Whenever he gets strict, he is usually stern-looking.

He should continue to be active in his role in assisting his sergeants and occasionally help some of the weaker recruits if they are struggling in some areas. This would help to ensure that there would not be a bridge between recruits and his superiors.

Platoon Commander Riwaduan

PC is one of the more prominent and charismatic commanders who is friendly by nature. This friendliness is especially essential in helping recruits settle down in a hectic military environment. PC is fair in his punishments and assessments of things. PC also works hard in trying to remember his recruits’ name and this is particularly endearing to most of the recruits. PC apologises when he has made a mistake and is able to humble himself in such situations. PC is one of the commanders who speaks to us more often on a personal level and it helps us in settling and coping well in a stressful and hectic military environment.

Pc can probably work on engaging each and every of his recruits on a personal and individual level so that he can fairly assess his recruits at the end of BMT.

Platoon Sergeant

PS is odd, not even. He is eccentric and talks a lot about his experiences in Sispec and how Sispec training is very different from BMT training. It is especially important to have a PS who is so experienced to lead his platoon into the next phase of army life. His experience would prove to be valuable in helping his recruits in future.

Other than that, it is our initiative to work towards his standards.

Sergeant Jeremy

Sergeant Jeremy is a fierce looking sergeant who looks like he can be selected for the military police anytime. He leads by doing what is required of him as a commander; he is able to lead as he shows his recruits the proper way of doing the correct methodology.

Sergeant is quiet and mellowed person by nature who could be more articulate and elaborate in his explanations whenever he teaches or when he is taking charge of his platoon. Other than that, he is okay. He sets a standard of fitness for us to aim for.

Sergeant DQ

Sergeant is a competent commander who is able to connect with his recruits. He is open and shares lots of areas of life in general. He attempts to speak to his recruit on a deeper level and it helps that the bridge between commanders and recruits can be minimized at times so that recruits can approach him for advice. He is rational as he explains and gives reasons for specific things like why we have to run to SOC ground. He also instructs his recruits well when his recruits faced a problem they could not solve.

His bad points include sometimes issuing a harsh punishment for a light mistake. (it may not be a bad point but sergeant could work towards being fair)

Sergeant Amir

Sergeant has been a section commander of Zulu company Platoon 4 section 4. He is an unassuming and funny sergeant who likes to share his valuable experiences to his recruits. Although he is ORD-ing soon, his valuable advices would prove to be useful as his recruits embark on their military career.

He is a dedicated mentor who always helps his recruits until they know their work because he elaborates on the important areas recruits should look into. He has a great sense of humour, which helps his recruits be able to approach him and ask him about military life.

Sergeant Jonathan

Sergeant is one of the commanders who failed to remember his recruits’ names, more disastrous is that he could not remember who is in his platoon. This is a particular area he can work on so that his recruits can have a better assessment of him when there is an opportunity to converse.

His self-discipline and careful observation in things should stand him in good stead in his future undertakings. He is particularly concerned about the people wasting water in toilets, one take-away recruits take from him is to exercise water rationing after BMT.

Friends, letting them know how much they are worth.

Thank you for my friends. Jack, LJ, Germaine, desiree, YS, Pris for a wonderful year spent with you all. Jokes aside, you guys bring more than the sunshine in my life.

Thank you Liang Yi, Fiq, Pan, JS, Ben, XS,YQ for being the people I can trust and rely on.

Thank you derrick, Joe, XM, Kenny and Zhenyuan,nurul,,nardira,jo and kc. It's been great knowing that you are being more than just a friend to me.Nice knowing my new friends.

Are you growing? (In the physical, mental and spiritual sense)

If you fail to see these blessings, you are not growing spiritually. God has given us these position, for us to reach. It is about your commitment, not about time or knowledge or religious activities, but applying what you have learnt. True freedom comes from commitment. Those who are not committed are bounded by their own selfish desires. You don't want to confine yourself because you know you are not going to fulfill it. How can you grow with a person you cannot submit and obey? That's why you are in plateau?

9th Mar is a revitalised day.

"If you think you are at a loss, think of those who never lived a longer life to have thought of that"
"If you are suffering from a bad relationship, think of those who never had the chance to be love and be loved"

I'm so blessed. Period.

Jack: I can see you rotting. Do you know what you are doing? Stop!

I've passed my BTT.

D day! Scrumptious buffet prior to judgement day.

"Wanna try a tantalising slice of cake?" Ha. Buffet at Royal Prince was great. Ambience, camaraderie amng pple was good. Today marks the last day of Jo's stint in c!v!ca. It's really a blessing to have known him as he really shares! From Hong-Kong to Singapore, cynical remarks of the education to his love life, haha, we really opened up to each other. Great! Sadly, I was lost for words on the last day. Prob due to the anxiety building up prior to the release of results!

Well, 2 B's 2 C's for my main subjects is really disappointing. Stil I'm looking forward to the next path of my life. NS in the form of OCS and uni life. Engineering, it looks to be...

A level = The thought of it is killing me. On a seperate note, anxiety too!

2 more days til the release of A level results. I can see my friends, classmates and the gang. I knew of what results I would be getting, so I'm not afraid.

Oh ya. Thanks Priscilla, Jack, Xiangshan and Liangyi for extending their support for me all this while. It's not work related, it just feels like mid-life crisis.

"All of us care abt u. And God offers help thru God's pple." Thanks. I felt encouraged at least.

Cell group

Wed is cell group day. What am I doing here?

The aftermath of emo-ing.

It's good to reflect about your life. There will be times when you feel that hey i felt much better after reflecting upon yourself. You don't blame work for stripping yourself of the time to be yourself, but a chance to be more of yourself.

Less company at work = Loneliness? Boredom? No!

Today KC and Shafiq officially left the workplace, which means there would be less (not lesser) stupid nonsense, tricks and talking crap ranging from topics like love to actors. Lol. But i'm glad I knew and worked with them. (suka bekerja dengan mereka) as they are as lame, joker and witty as I am! Haha. Who in the world would forget to switch off the computer deliberately? +winks+

Which brings me to the idea of organising a gathering with all the temp staffs? A movie, makan, jalan, talking anything under the sun?

You make your own fun by being yourself.

My apologies.

Sorry for the constant missed calls, unreplied messages and the cold water. I was searching myself and exploring my feelings but I was lost. I need a compass. Redemption, direction, purpose, support is what I need, after all the ninja-like seclusion and reflection. A new way of life, as of now:)

Mindless Anxiety..

The real problem with people is that he/she thinks there are lots of problems when in fact, there is actually no problem at all. I guess that's me. Any word to describe it?

Thoughts...

Many questions are sprawling through my head and I thought hard, yet not able to convince myself of an answer, even though there are answers out there.

Myself.. a servant leader.
Am I leaving a legacy behind or am I going through the motion?
Am I still a procrastinator, saying that "time will tell" when in reality, I am actually running away from my problems? Not facing reality in reality?
Am I going for the unconventional route not favoured by people?
Am I idiosyncratic in nature?
Do I still engage in weather-talking?

Relationships.. a selfless person who reciprocates
What kind of friends am i looking for?
Am I still considering inter-religious marriage?

Home..the difference
Am I still in control of my circumstances or is circumstances controlling me?

Future..a salt and light who impacts
In future, will I be able to support everyone, much less myself? Am I qualified enough a professional?
In future,will I be able to enter the course that I have in mind?
What is my motive? Money? Friends? Relationships? God? Love? Naivety? Worldliness?

I am at a stage of a life,feeling, akin to what someone would feel when experiencing a mid-life crisis, I would feel either uncertain of myself. Even though I know what my long-term goal/mission is, I just get that uneasiness in me. To feel that I need to be more mature, more responsible and more sensible. This uneasiness starts to hinder what I can be.

Most complicated idea.

I wonder why do people always over-complicate matters when all he can do the easiest of methods. In response to what is the most complicated idea in the world: as entitled above..Inter-religious marraige? Hmm. It's just a thought/ wishful thinking that came smack into my mind. Now, where would you place love?

Emo...

Everyone emos.. including me...The day I cried my lungs out.

My lacrimal glands are finally working at least...

Anger. Regret. Trauma.And a massive social responsibility to handle... Help!

F/NF. Standing beside a shemale(man in woman's clothing) wasn't the wisest thing to do, although initially i thought nothing scandalous can happen. Not until I first-handedly experienced what it was like to be harrassed by him/her/IT. How outrageous of IT to stand in front of me, hiding his right hand under what seemed to be covered by a jacket. I knew IT's hand was coming and I was prepared to take any physical evidence against IT with my N81. Hack, the camera sucks. He was as insistent on performing his antics, until I confronted him with a verbal warning to fcuk off to where he belong. IT didn't backed off. No one ever bothered to help me even as I was harrassed over two MRT stops... til I gave him a punch that The Rock would be proud of. Still the passengers weren't too bothered. I was reaching boiling point and I wanted to get even, thereby taking matters into my own hands.. (fill in the blanks). It didn't help that no one intervene....

Neither was I in the state of mind to attend cell group.. for I was like a time bomb waiting to explode... for I was deeply mentally disturbed...

Reflecting back, it still sends shivers down my spine that I could act in such an uncivilised manner, as it just dawned on me that I could be easily charged and it could easily end up a court case. But thankfully.... the fourth day after the incident.. just wanna recover from the trauma and not getting disturbance...and avoid the red-light district for a moment...

My hand is still hurting, as is my heart, mind and eyes. Just wanna stay clear from trouble as i take the week off to recover mentally and psychologically. I pray for his repentance.

Chinese new year this year

Quick update.I tell you: Chinese new year was smashing! Not only did I get to meet lots of my long distant cousins, I also get to enjoy a good o'le reunioun dinner with them. Alas! I also made a point to talk to them, especially cousins from my maternal side. Talking to them used to be a struggle as it was as if talking to a complete new stranger every year. But this year I've managed to know them more, not just my childhood playmates this fact alone. Getting their contact no. from shuaige and jammer had to be the most fulfilling thing this time around. There definitely got to be unpleasant news around though: hearing that jie jie's getting divorce is already a saddening thing, what more someone facing a financial difficulty? Hmm. I wish I could help....

1st day: Visit to grandaunt's place, home visit by paternal relatives and a trip to granduncle's place.
2nd day: Visit to grandma's place.
3rd day: Visit to Yeen Seen's place, settlers and visit to jasmine's place.

The third day got to top it off.. Massive fun and havok. Really enjoyed myself with all my friends, not to mention enjoying Nigel's antics.... Most fulfilling is bring Xin Yi around to meet my friends.... hopefully the second time she comes, she will feel more at ease around... that's all folks.

Though I kinda regret there isn't much sharing here lately, been racing against time...

It doesn't matter where you are..

My dear friend Gabriel and his brother Issac (their sis too..) left for NZ. It just challenges me whenever i think of the 2 dynamic duo because of what an impact they bring to wherever they have been called- in Harvester and in NZ. They just seem to bring joy to peoples' faces, and I'm one of them. I'm pretty sure Germaine misses them the most. So it will be goodbye to them and I'll just wish them a peaceful flight. Hope to see them live the dream of seeing them church be real dynamic....See ya and we'll wait for your return.

Cell outing.

15th Jan'08
Cell outing was held in Pasta-mania at Harbourfront shopping centre. Although not all the people went for the short gathering, I'm glad everyone enjoyed themselves- the games, the ambience and the gathering. Well i'm proud to say I organised the games, one of which is titled "Water-synthesis". However, the organisation of the game was disrupted as many people didn't bring their water bottles as instructed. So I've got to improvised on the spot. Hmm. Enough said, it was a fantastic experience for all of us to be able to enjoy each other's company.

My busy week: it's another new experience.

Salut! It's been a long time since I last blogged and many would want to discover the reason why? It's because I'm on a temp job! I'm under contract up til 31st Mar. Actually I wanted a date earlier than that but I guess since they give me this opportunity to work, I've got to honour the contract given. I better honour my own word since I first said I wanted to work. But sadly, it is just routine work and I am beginning to feel the tiredness after 3 days of juggling of work and rushing to cell groups and courses. Haiz! I better upload this weariness to God... haha.

Next week would be same routine job for me. But thank God for the opportunity to work with different kinds of people of different stature.. I do hope I can blend into the working surroundings and hope that I do not make more silly mistakes. Next week is also a struggle for lost time as I need to juggle between work and cell outings, cell groups and prayer group meetings..argh pray for me that I will not succumb to weariness and outbreaks haha... and my eyes too... I fear for a certain inclination towards myopia in my eyes.. what can you do when you only face the computer daily... Au Revoir..

Dreams: What's the implication?

I only know of premonition. They can take place in a dream as a sign of a forewarning of future events. But I'm not sure if they ever tell the good things of the future? One thing I do experience is that they can open my eyes to what I have failed to see in the past. A certain dream that I had was so surreal that I could even feel in my sleep. I do admit that I was wailing all the night. And it's really the first time I had ever experienced so deep emotion in my life. Haha over the years my lacrimal glands is not functional properly. It's about time it started utilizing.

What was the dream about? Well, I'm more concerned to decipher the hidden messages, if there are any! But what do you think was about if you see almost all of your 40 plus friends in the same night, much less the same dream! Well, I was with Wilson walking along an unknown location that looked like a combination of Innova JC and NTU. So then I saw many people whom I recognized in the school just as I was walking around the school. Do you think its a sign of a need for more friends?

Instantly i was thrust into the next dream. I cannot remember vividly but I knew I was feeling insecure and the inferiority complex seemed to slowly get the better of me. As it was the similar feeling I had experienced before, somehow in that dream I activated my lacrimal glands to comfort myself. The rest of the time was spent wailing away.. before I managed to compose myself. Does it mean that somehow my subconscious mind is secretly harboring the thought of a lack of self-confidence? Am I still feeling lousy(in secret) even when I knew a higher being is in control of my life?

Well I believe that this 2 dreams on the last day of 2007 sums up my whole of last year: being in a position where I am not letting God take charge of situations ,taking situations in my own hands and letting circumstances overwhelm me. The lack of trust and faith of a higher being could be why it resulted in me not having faith in handling different situations. I must proclaim victory this year.

Yesterday i was feeling really "emo" as in really melodramatic, as in really awkward and emotion, to the extent I feel really downbeat and unmotivated. It happened after dinner like 9pm yo. It just so happen that these days I feel that going to the arcades and pools doesn't edify me. ( But I don't really limit going to these places completely though, but probably I'm starting to feel I've outgrown them... maybe I desire something greater.) I'll probably take this time to explore unchartered aspects of my life say in the music, which I think I have no talent in. Starting with music theory I guess.. I don't want my brain to rot!

My first post.

Hi there! This is my first post. Gone are the days where I will need to scribble down on a notebook about what I see and how I feel about daily happenings. Now that I have a blog, yes a BLOG, I can start getting organized. This is where I will type everything in here, ranging from my devotions, events, feelings etc. This is meant to be somewhat a diary, but in the meanwhile, I shall keep it public. This blog needs some revamping, anyone willing to help me? I'm still new in this, I'm still a 2G, time to upgrade myself to a 3G..

On the last day of 2007..

Hi! Whoever out there. I wanted to blog since time memorial.Ya. You get the idea. A very long time ago, there was this yearning to blog, but I was rather unmotivated to do one. And I was about the writing as that would mean developing my own style of writing and cranking my mind for ideas. Next was the dilemma on whether should I blog in complete sentences or simply phrases... Hmm.. I'll just continue typing with what comes into my mind just like this.. I'm not going to stop...

2007 for me wasn't as fruitful for me as I was struggling in many areas of my life, namely friendship, studies and my personal development.. my approach to life was lukewarm and naturally I was unmotivated and not initiative in my actions. I plan to zero down and work on this areas of my life in 2008..

But i just want to be thankful for the JC experience as it showed me that it wasn't as mind-grueling and as vigorous as many say it would have been. Now that the "A" Level examinations have been attempted, I wouldn't dare say I'm nonchalant about my results as it would reflect my progress last year. Whatever the result may be, I promise I would remain optimistic in my outlook in life.

What have I been doing during the year-end holidays? Simple administrative work carried out in Singapore Expo one week after the "A" level examinations. Exchange Program in Korea on the 9th to 17th Dec'07. Youth/Tertiary camp in NUS till the 20th. And a series of Christmas and New Year Celebration with my family and closest pals. Yay! The new year has arrived... it's the start of something new...